STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
This is enough internet for the day.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.