Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Meow
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Meow