Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi