“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*jazz hands*
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
She puts the hot in psychotic