Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Cat is stressing him out.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
#parenting
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.