[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.