I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.