I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
The booster protects against what, now?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth