ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”