[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.