Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
what are they serving at kfc then???
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.