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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline