Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
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9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
There are no pants in heaven.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.