Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
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“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house