40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
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Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him