My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.