5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.