If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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the simulation is moving too fast
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
dutch so unserious
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots