I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Me sliding into hell like
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.