“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
That was easy.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Is this a threat?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.