I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.