[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
emergency phone
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”