[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
just make the entire table out of coaster
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I triple waxed for this?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.