Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
They grow up so quick
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.