Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
You Might Also Like
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Lmao
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.