If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Why are bridges so flammable.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
This hospital has everything
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude