I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.