Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.