{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.