Mmmm canned fish.
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date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
sry
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.