when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face