me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.