In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
And then there were 4