“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
You Might Also Like
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Natural selection at its finest
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.