Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*pronounces fake like saké*