I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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lmfao
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.