My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
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How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
do u think theres a butter planet?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby