Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Air conditioning – not a fan
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Who needs an Air Fryer?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?