These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
found my next D&D character name
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Breaking news:
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.