why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
best first i’ve ever seen
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.