You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
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*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
time for some seasonal decor
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.