BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this