If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
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[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed