SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
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Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.