The fall of Netflix
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I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.