My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted