A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”