Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?