(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
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Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Okay, I’m still confused…
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?