me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.